Thursday, October 25, 2012

Seems like we've been here before.....

I am much too familiar with this hospital.....

We are back at Harris Methodist Ft. Worth.

Dad had another fall last night/early morning.  Due to the number of falls and his current condition the Home Health nurse instructed mom to call 911 the next time he fell.  Well that time came this morning. I got the call from mom just before leaving for work.  Fortunately I made it to her house before the ambulance left and we were able to follow them to the hospital. 

Emergency Room...been here before.  Two times before.  We were assigned he same ER doctor he had 6 1/2 years ago.  I know you are wondering how I could remember  such a thing.  You are probably thinking wow Julie what a memory. Yes, it's true. I am like an elephant...in size and memory.  Anyway, I will never forget the ER trip he had 6 1/2 years ago or the cocky ER doctor who showed little concern for our situation.   Dr. C (I'll protect the guilty by not using his full name) told us then that it was very unlikely dad would be leaving the hospital alive. Well he was wrong.   I've always dreamed of waltzing dad back through ER to prove him wrong.  But I have to admit that Dr. C had a much better bedside manner this time.  He listened to us and seemed to show genuine concern and compassion. It was a far better experience with him this time.

So after many hours in the ER watching patients come and go we are thankful that he is getting the care he needs. We are fortunate.  One CT scan and many labs later he has been admitted. The scan showed no signs of stroke or bleeding in the brain.  There are however other causes for concern. While I know he doesn't like hospital stays I am ok with this one.  He will be getting some much needed hydration.  They will also be monitoring kidney function, blood sugar, nutrition, etc.  

We are now in a room...finally. In the same building as his last several hospital stays.  Same smell to the building, same layout as the previous floors, same uncomfortable chairs in the room.  On a good note he is getting the same good care.  Some things never change.

Life will never be the same though.  We will all be changed by the events of this last year.  Someone very close to me shared with today that we grow and are changed by every day that we live.  Maybe it's the wisdom that comes with each new day that prepares us to deal with the future.  It could also be past experiences that have matured us and readied us to deal with our new circumstances.

While conventional wisdom may suggest otherwise, I will not lose hope that dad will completely recover.  My faith will not be diminished by doctors predictions.  I will cherish each day and each memory.  I will love him with all the love that my heart holds. 

Today he knows me as Julie Roxann, tomorrow it may be the water girl or 'that other blonde girl', but for today he knows me.  He knows me, he knows who I am and he knows that I love him. 

Live~Laugh~Love....exactly what I intend to do!



  

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Don't sweat the small stuff.....

How many times have I heard, or even used, the phrase 'Don't sweat the small stuff'?  Now in addition to not sweating the small stuff I am also trying to appreciate the little things each day brings. 

Life has changed pretty dramatically over the last few months and everyone in the family has had to adapt.  Thank goodness for great husbands and kiddos who are willing to pitch in and help when needed--often without being asked-- to keep things running smoothly!

So instead of sweating the fact that my house has not had a proper cleaning in many months,  I am appreciating that my guys are doing a better job of keeping things picked up and even doing laundry!

I'm no longer sweating the fact that my scale is yelling angry things at me when I dare to step on it these days--which happens pretty infrequently due to my fear of watching the growing number.  That number continues to grow because I am appreciating the Gourmet Jelly Beans that my sweet mama has been keeping in constant supply for my never ending craving.  I know that she is dipping into my inheritance to pay for those lovelys!  I am also appreciating the Peppermint Ice Cream that hubby stopped to get me last Saturday.  Gone by Wednesday...I really, really appreciated it!

Not sweating that I am not able to keep in touch or get together with some of my friends as often as I would like.    But I am definitely appreciating
those that have been on those journey with me.  Terri, My friend, my ride share, my sounding board who so graciously listens when I need to talk.
Julie, My sweet friend who checks in on me to ask if I need anything and even offers her husband's help.  Jamie, My co-worker turned friend, who is always a a source of encouragement at work.  Robbin, my friend at work who has traveled a similar road and offers a motherly hug and prayers.  These are just a few of the friends that have ridden out this personal storm with me.  Then there are those special moments when out of the blue someone says or does something for you that you don't expect.  This was the case last week when a friend from High School unexpectedly mailed me a sweet gift!  We have re-connected on Facebook and I now wonder what lifetime friendship I may have missed out on!  She was so thoughtful and sweet in thinking of me at this time when she has already 'worn my shoes' herself.  I am thankful for the people that God puts in our lives and now consider her one of my angels.

Life has new perspective now and I plan to stop sweating the small stuff--realizing most of it IS small stuff and make more time to truly appreciate the little things that bring joy, happiness and value to our lives.


“Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.”    ~Robert Brault








Tuesday, October 16, 2012

What I didn't know.....

Cancer stinks...this I know.  Cancer is a tough battle...this I know. 

What I didn't know is that we would still be facing such difficult timeson this journey almost a year later. October 4th marked 11 months since we first learned of dad's  diagnosis.


What I didn't know is that we would not be able to make our annual family trip to our favorite mountaintop cabin this year.


What I didn't know is how deeply that would affect me. 

Certainly I'm sad that we are missing 'our' beloved cabin, breathtaking sunrises and sunsets and nightly campfires but what really saddens me is that not going is an admission that dad's health has not improved.  In fact it has declined steadily over the last few months. 

What I didn't know is how much it would hurt the first time he didn't know who I was.  Or how he would continue to ask about the 'girl' that was here last weekend.  Thankfully he seems to recognize me now..even if it's only for the nagging I do trying to get him to eat or drink more.

What I didn't know is the impact that this journey was having on my youngest son.  After dad fell again last week he asked me if I ever cried about grandpa.  I am pretty sure I have I have mastered the art of masking my feelings and emotions to those around me.  However, while the tears no longer come easy for me there was certainly more than one that escaped my eyes after hearing his confession that he sometime cried about it.  It's hard enough knowing what an impact this illness has had on mom, Amy and myself but I had hoped, naievely of course, that I could shield some of the hurt and worry from my kids.

What I didn't know is just how much the doctor's don't really know.  All the bloodwork, MRI's and scans in the world cannot tell us if dad will improve.  Medicine is not an exact science and I am having a hard time coming to terms with that.  What we endure now would be made so much easier if there was certainty of a full recovery looming on the horizon.  I know that when we see the oncologist this afternoon I will expect answers and information but will likely have to settle for guesstimates and statistics.

On the other hand....

What I DO know is that no matter how hard times get or how discouraging the future can seem at times that we, as a family, will continue to support each other with love, faith and encouragement.





So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.  
2 Corinthians 4:16-18 







Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Turning back time.....

Oh to be able to turn back time, to know back then what I unfortunately know now.  Hindsight is indeed 20/20!  Rather than using this blog to simply highlight our journey and provide a positive glimpse into our world, I should have been truly chronicling all that has occurred over the last year.  Thinking back I may have fooled myself into believing that while we were indeed facing a terrible ordeal we would still have the same positive outcome we did 6 years ago.  Maybe not addressing the more difficult issues we have faced was my own method of self-preservation.  Ignorance is after all bliss.  Right? And there is always the excuse that life is meant to be lived not written about.  After all there are better ways to spend one’s time and energy than to document every minor happenstance.  Who has that kind of time?  And yes, that would be the same reason that my boys have half-completed baby books.  Though I am sure life will be just fine for them even if they don’t happen to know what solid food they first ate or the date they lost their first tooth.  At least I hope so.  Yikes, more regrets.
I now find myself truly regretting not documenting more details of our journey.  So moving forward that is what I plan to do.  For those who have followed our journey via the blog you are welcome to do so.  This will be my electronic journal where I can record my personal thoughts, observations and feelings.  I will do my best to keep it inspirational but be assured it will also be sprinkled with not only the good, but the bad and the ugly. The truth can be ugly and lately there has been lots of ugly.
We have spent the better part of the last two months telling doctors that we are concerned regarding dad’s memory and weakness.  Finally there was agreement that there had been a decline but no agreement to what may be the cause.  It could be aftermath of radiation…maybe not.  It could be due to dehydration…maybe not.  Or my absolute favorite from the quack neurologist we visited, ‘Chemo and Radiation can be hard on the body’.  No kidding Sherlock.  Let me call Unsolved Mysteries to clue them in. Ugh!!  I am very capable of seeing how hard it has been on both the mind and the body thank you.  And just a tip Dr. Quack…doctors like you can be hard on the mind as well.  I found myself wanting to scream the entire way out of your office.  You didn’t tell us anything that I haven’t already seen, heard or read on Google. 
What I do know with certainty is that we are not giving up the fight.  We will not lose faith, we will not give up hope, and we face each day as it comes.  We will be there for dad when his steps falter and he needs our guidance, we will encourage him to eat and drink to regain his strength, we will remind him that he IS at home, and perhaps most importantly we will continue to support each other.  No one would ever choose to face cancer, but given the choice I would choose every time to go through it with the support of MY family.  So while I can’t turn back time, I can turn to my family and turn to my God.  HE is after all ‘Holding My World’.