Friday, April 26, 2013

When I least expect it....

I have learned to expect the unexpected.  What I haven’t learned is how to deal with it when it occurs.  Sometimes it happens in private and I can let the tears roll freely.  Other times it happens in public or in the company of others which presents a challenge to maintain my composure.
The five month anniversary of my dad’s death passed ever so quietly last Friday.  It wasn’t until the following day that it was spoken of.  We all remembered the day.  Each of us mourned the day.  Perhaps in our efforts to cope we each chose not to speak it aloud to one another.  Personally, I never want my hurt or pain to contribute to that of another—particularly my mother or sister.  So, we each acknowledged the day privately and alone.  Looking back now, I see that might have been a mistake.  My mom asked the following day if I realized what the day before had been and sadly I told her I did. Yes, in hindsight I think it was a mistake not to acknowledge the day with each other.  It’s so hard to know how to move forward in grief without looking back at the cause of it.  When I think of the hurdles and obstacles we faced during dad’s last year I get mired down in details.  I can vividly recall the many days we were in the hospital…sometimes down to the detail of what we were wearing on certain occasions, or who took the time to visit dad, and the hope that we all carried with us each time we left the hospital.
Moving forward is hard.  Not just a little.  A LOT.  I don’t like it.  I want my dad back.
By now, I know most of my grief triggers.  The ones that will bring the tears, the depression, the yearning to have my dad back.  Some I avoid, some I can’t.  Memories come flooding back with pictures of him, songs on the radio, and physical pieces of his life.  Those are things that I expect to touch me and stir the ever present feelings of grief.
Then there are the things I would not expect to affect me….those are harder to cope with.  They can sneak upon me quickly and without warning, leaving me little time to mask the tears or prepare for the hurt that my heart will feel.  As I walked through the neighborhood this week enjoying the sun shining on my face and the breeze against my skin I also noticed the sweet smell of flowers and a fresh mowed yard.  Tears began immediately.   The smell of freshly cut grass instantly reminded me of my dad and the great pride he took in keeping the yard mowed, edged and looking nice. The sweet scent of the flowers conjured up the images of my mom’s beautiful flowers she carefully tends each year.  The memories take over and soon I can picture my mom and dad sitting on the patio after a morning in the yard taking a ‘coke break’.  I want that life back.
The reality is that my mom is now tending to those flowers alone and moving forward in life alone—maybe not alone, but without her husband.  And reality for me is that I am moving forward without my dad.   My heart still breaks….and sometimes it is when I least expect it.
All you who put your hope in the Lord be strong and brave...Psalm  31:24