The 19th....

Today is the 19^th. 

One month ago I held my father’s hand and softly whispered my final good-byes to him.  I searched for courage and strength to tell him it was ok to let go, that he didn’t have to keep fighting and that we would all be ok.  I gazed at his face and kept my hand clasped in his once strong hand trying to preserve every detail of our final moments together.

One month ago I watched as my father drew his last breath as the pastor prayed with our family.  I watched and waited already knowing that he would not draw another.  I watched, seemingly as if outside my own body, as the grieving for our loss began to unfold in that room.  The overwhelming and immediate heartache seemed to swallow every one of us in that single moment.

One month ago I watched as my dad left his home for the final time.  Covered by a homey blue quilt and looking to be in a peaceful sleep, we each took turns saying another good-bye.  As he was wheeled from the house the awful realization of what was happening brought increasing heartache.

One month ago today I shared in the task of calling those closest to us, our family and friends to let them know about dad.  There was no easy way to share the news about dad but it had to be done.   Some were shocked, many were surprised, but ALL were saddened to hear of his ‘passing’.        

Today marks one month since my dad died.  Attempts to soften the word with phrases like ‘passed away’ do nothing to lessen the hurt and pain that comes with the word.  That is because one month ago when our lives were forever changed by a single moment and our realities will never be the same.

 It’s only been a month.  The hurt is still so raw and real.  Some days it seems like it was only yesterday that we were keeping vigil by his side.  Perhaps that is because I can so vividly recall the details of that day.  Other days it seems like longer.  I think that may be because I feel like I lost dad twice.  I lost my strong, healthy and clear-minded dad months ago.

Time will heal…this I have been told.  It’s only been a month.  The pain hasn’t lessened… I think I am going to need a lot of time for a lot of healing.

God has my dad in heaven but I have him in my heart…..

I love you dad!

Moment to moment.....

Grief you are neither my friend nor foe,
Just a necessary path I travel on the way to letting go.

Letting go of the fear, the heartache and the unbearable pain,
To face the fact that my life has been forever changed.

Time, faith and love are the only things that can serve to heal,
To mend the brokenness and hurt that are still so raw and real.

Hearing that he is in a better place does little to ease the ache
Though it's true, from that some comfort I should take.


Moment to moment is how I travel your path today,
Never knowing what may be coming my way.

Overwhelming sadness, heartache or tears....
Prayers or encouragement of loved ones near.

So grief you will likely follow me for some time
Until the missing piece of my heart I somehow find.

~Julie



When your world crumbles and shatters into pieces around you it makes it time to keep up with time or days.  Everything for me is now measured in moments.  With the exception that it was three weeks ago today that he took his final breath, two weeks from last Friday that we laid dad to rest.  Last Thursday was what should have been his 73rd birthday.  I am afraid  I will now forever mark time by his date of death. 

The year of the 'Firsts' are the hardest, or so I have been told.
We spent our first Thankgiving without him...It was obviously not a time for celebration for our family this year.  We visited his grave on his 'first' birthday away from us.  We now have Christmas peering around the corner.  I'm not certain how to navigate the rest of this holiday season.  The music, the movies, the general atmosphere has not stirred me this year.  Decorating the tree...that stood unfluffed and undecorated for over a week in my living room is a testament to that.  I'm not saying that I could be confused as the Grinch right now but it wouldn't be a far leap.

As I dare to edge back into some semblance of normal routine with home and work life I have tried hard to keep my emotions in check and find balance within my day.  Admittedly there have been some very near brushes with a breakdown that easily would be equal to a Steal Magnolia moment.  People mean well and I understand that, however, it is neither reassuring or comforting to be repeatedly told that dad is no longer suffering or is in a better place.  Of course he is.  I told that to myself repeatedly the first few days after his death.  My head knows that...my heart?  Not so much.  I am selfish, I am spoiled and I would rather be here with me...now and forever.  See now the reason for the movie reference?
I can so easily identify with the emotion as probably anyone can that has experienced the loss of a loved one. 

This blog may not reflect it, but I am truly trying to find some peace and at least find some contentment in the season.  Daily, I try to realize the many blessings I have surrounding me and be thankful for each of them. 

I would love to be able to mold some of the sadness into gladness.  To that end I have decided that each year on dad's birthday I will make it my goal to do something in remembrance of him...something positive, a good deed or gesture, big or small, it will be done in honor of him. 

Missing you on your birthday and every day dad....