What I didn't know is that we would still be facing such difficult timeson this journey almost a year later. October 4th marked 11 months since we first learned of dad's diagnosis.
What I didn't know is that we would not be able to make our annual family trip to our favorite mountaintop cabin this year.
What I didn't know is how deeply that would affect me.
Certainly I'm sad that we are missing 'our' beloved cabin, breathtaking sunrises and sunsets and nightly campfires but what really saddens me is that not going is an admission that dad's health has not improved. In fact it has declined steadily over the last few months.
What I didn't know is how much it would hurt the first time he didn't know who I was. Or how he would continue to ask about the 'girl' that was here last weekend. Thankfully he seems to recognize me now..even if it's only for the nagging I do trying to get him to eat or drink more.
What I didn't know is the impact that this journey was having on my youngest son. After dad fell again last week he asked me if I ever cried about grandpa. I am pretty sure I have I have mastered the art of masking my feelings and emotions to those around me. However, while the tears no longer come easy for me there was certainly more than one that escaped my eyes after hearing his confession that he sometime cried about it. It's hard enough knowing what an impact this illness has had on mom, Amy and myself but I had hoped, naievely of course, that I could shield some of the hurt and worry from my kids.
What I didn't know is just how much the doctor's don't really know. All the bloodwork, MRI's and scans in the world cannot tell us if dad will improve. Medicine is not an exact science and I am having a hard time coming to terms with that. What we endure now would be made so much easier if there was certainty of a full recovery looming on the horizon. I know that when we see the oncologist this afternoon I will expect answers and information but will likely have to settle for guesstimates and statistics.
On the other hand....
What I DO know is that no matter how hard times get or how discouraging the future can seem at times that we, as a family, will continue to support each other with love, faith and encouragement.
So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
2 Corinthians 4:16-18
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