Just a necessary path I travel on the way to letting go.
Letting go of the fear, the heartache and the unbearable pain,
To face the fact that my life has been forever changed.
Time, faith and love are the only things that can serve to heal,
To mend the brokenness and hurt that are still so raw and real.
Hearing that he is in a better place does little to ease the ache
Though it's true, from that some comfort I should take.
Moment to moment is how I travel your path today,
Never knowing what may be coming my way.
Overwhelming sadness, heartache or tears....
Prayers or encouragement of loved ones near.
So grief you will likely follow me for some time
Until the missing piece of my heart I somehow find.
~Julie
When your world crumbles and shatters into pieces around you it makes it time to keep up with time or days. Everything for me is now measured in moments. With the exception that it was three weeks ago today that he took his final breath, two weeks from last Friday that we laid dad to rest. Last Thursday was what should have been his 73rd birthday. I am afraid I will now forever mark time by his date of death.
The year of the 'Firsts' are the hardest, or so I have been told.
We spent our first Thankgiving without him...It was obviously not a time for celebration for our family this year. We visited his grave on his 'first' birthday away from us. We now have Christmas peering around the corner. I'm not certain how to navigate the rest of this holiday season. The music, the movies, the general atmosphere has not stirred me this year. Decorating the tree...that stood unfluffed and undecorated for over a week in my living room is a testament to that. I'm not saying that I could be confused as the Grinch right now but it wouldn't be a far leap.
As I dare to edge back into some semblance of normal routine with home and work life I have tried hard to keep my emotions in check and find balance within my day. Admittedly there have been some very near brushes with a breakdown that easily would be equal to a Steal Magnolia moment. People mean well and I understand that, however, it is neither reassuring or comforting to be repeatedly told that dad is no longer suffering or is in a better place. Of course he is. I told that to myself repeatedly the first few days after his death. My head knows that...my heart? Not so much. I am selfish, I am spoiled and I would rather be here with me...now and forever. See now the reason for the movie reference?
I can so easily identify with the emotion as probably anyone can that has experienced the loss of a loved one.
This blog may not reflect it, but I am truly trying to find some peace and at least find some contentment in the season. Daily, I try to realize the many blessings I have surrounding me and be thankful for each of them.
I would love to be able to mold some of the sadness into gladness. To that end I have decided that each year on dad's birthday I will make it my goal to do something in remembrance of him...something positive, a good deed or gesture, big or small, it will be done in honor of him.
Missing you on your birthday and every day dad....
No comments:
Post a Comment