Today is the 19th.
One month ago I held my father’s hand and softly whispered my final good-byes to him. I searched for courage and strength to tell him it was ok to let go, that he didn’t have to keep fighting and that we would all be ok. I gazed at his face and kept my hand clasped in his once strong hand trying to preserve every detail of our final moments together.
One month ago I watched as my father drew his last breath as the pastor prayed with our family. I watched and waited already knowing that he would not draw another. I watched, seemingly as if outside my own body, as the grieving for our loss began to unfold in that room. The overwhelming and immediate heartache seemed to swallow every one of us in that single moment.
One month ago I watched as my dad left his home for the final time. Covered by a homey blue quilt and looking to be in a peaceful sleep, we each took turns saying another good-bye. As he was wheeled from the house the awful realization of what was happening brought increasing heartache.
One month ago today I shared in the task of calling those closest to us, our family and friends to let them know about dad. There was no easy way to share the news about dad but it had to be done. Some were shocked, many were surprised, but ALL were saddened to hear of his ‘passing’.
Today marks one month since my dad died. Attempts to soften the word with phrases like ‘passed away’ do nothing to lessen the hurt and pain that comes with the word. That is because one month ago when our lives were forever changed by a single moment and our realities will never be the same.
It’s only been a month. The hurt is still so raw and real. Some days it seems like it was only yesterday that we were keeping vigil by his side. Perhaps that is because I can so vividly recall the details of that day. Other days it seems like longer. I think that may be because I feel like I lost dad twice. I lost my strong, healthy and clear-minded dad months ago.
Time will heal…this I have been told. It’s only been a month. The pain hasn’t lessened… I think I am going to need a lot of time for a lot of healing.
God has my dad in heaven but I have him in my heart…..
I love you dad!
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