Unhappy Anniversary

It’s almost here…November 4^th.    It’s almost been a year.  We are nowhere near where we had hoped we would be by now.  There have been highs and lows over the last 12 months.  We’ve conquered some challenges and succumbed to others.  There have been victories and celebrations but there have also been set-backs.   Why dear God do we find ourselves at this place now?  It seems this journey has taken yet another detour.  I wish it was as simple as checking a map to get our bearing and find the right directions to take.  Most days I just feel lost. 

Dad has had a major set-back.  After yet another fall he was taken to Harris ER for medical attention.  I knew in my heart that he would be admitted and he would not be coming back home that day.  His health had declined too much over the last few weeks and his refusal to eat but a few bites a day did not help the situation.  I can’t begin to explain the frustration of watching a loved one disappear before your eyes.  We have encouraged, urged, demanded, insisted, begged, bribed and cried trying to reason with him that he had to eat and even drink.  Well meaning suggestions from friends and family regarding what we could give him began to frustrate me further.  For anyone to think that we have not tried everything…and I do mean everything… to get nourishment in his body, well then you simply do not know my mother, sister or me.    And while nutrition plays a significant role in the condition he is now in it is not the only culprit. 

Admission to the hospital opened the gates for numerous tests, labs and doctors to shed some light on his case.  After learning very recently that dad had indeed suffered at least two strokes,we now also know that he has a moderate case of Encephalopothy.  Bottom line there is damage to his brain.  After a quick ‘Google’ session we see that it certainly explains some of the symptoms dad has exhibited as of late.  P.S.  I wouldn’t  recommend that people seek medical treatment/advice via Internet…it’s kind of scary actually.    Cancer, Chemo , Radiation, one or all three combined, have contributed to his plight.  The nutrition is not going to ‘fix’ it.  Time will.  Maybe. 

So in the course of a week we have watched dad withdraw even further.    

Confined to a bed without freedom to stand or walk. 

Confused about many things.

Transferred to a skilled nursing facility very close to home, allowing mom time to rest but also be at his side when needed.  This stay will hopefully rehab his body.  I wonder though, can they rehab his mind?   Can he remember that the ‘women’ who are nagging him to eat and telling him what to do all the time are the same ‘women’ who want him well and want him at home?   

At least for a moment last night I felt like he really knew me and was having a clear moment...His 'love you too babe' as I left for the night gave me a surge of hope.

Still I I fear we are on a slippery slope. 

So there is nothing happy about this upcoming anniversary. 

Cue the sad music…cut to the credits.  I want my happy ending!  I want our journey, our story to be neatly wrapped up with a big happy bow put on top.   I want our normal life back.

And as I type this I notice today’s verse on my desk calendar:

Everyone who asks will receive.  Everyone who searches will find.  Matthew 7:8

Hear me God...I'm asking....I'm searching...