Sorry mom! I know you hate that word but today that is the way I feel. Trying to pretty it up or clean it up by saying Cancer STINKS just doesn’t cut it. Forgetting to DVR your favorite show stinks, getting a speeding ticket stinks, gaining weight stinks….but cancer...it sucks. I hate seeing what this disease and it’s treatments have done to my dad. It’s not fair and I am mad! M...A...D! These feelings are nothing new…but may seem like it to those who read my blog. I have always strived to keep this blog upbeat and positive. Some have commented that they found my blog inspiring…for which I am glad. However, I am not feeling inspirational today so if you are reading it for that purpose you might want to close your browser now and run! Run far, far away! Now before you go thinking that I have lost faith, hope or belief that dad will beat this cancer you should know that is not the case at all. I just can’t seem to get these words and feelings out of my head so it was time to vent or write….I chose to write. It’s likely that this blog will never be published but maybe writing my feelings down will help me move past what I am feeling now. I don’t like feeling vulnerable or exposing all my worries and concerns…mostly because I have felt the need to hold it together…to be the strong one….to be faithful to my beliefs….to be at peace. Well today that’s all out the window!
My dad has cancer….he is fighting cancer…. Not the flu, not pneumonia….cancer! It’s not fair….it’s not right. He has fought his fight. He shouldn’t have to fight this fight again. He shouldn’t be suffering again. His body shouldn’t be torn down to be built back up…again! We shouldn’t be facing this AGAIN! I wouldn’t wish this on anyone and certainly not twice. It’s not fair, not fair at all!
I tend to be pretty sensitive in nature…maybe that’s another reason I am not normally willing to open myself up like this. I worry what people think about me. I don’t sugar coat things but I also do not air all my not-so-pretty feelings. Those not-so-pretty feelings are only shared with those who are very, very, close to me…. like my little sis… Amy Lou. Thank goodness we have each other to lean on during this time. Goodness knows she is the ONE person that I can trust to be there! Through this experience I have learned who I can truly depend on to be there for support and encouragement. I have received so much of both over the last several months… especially from co-workers and Facebook peeps. I like to think of my Facebook as my Friendbook. I don’t have a gazillion friends listed but I do have a vested interest in all those friends that request and accept me as their friend. Many days have been brightened by messages and comments from those friends. I hope that I have been able to provide some of that same comfort to others as well. This journey has definitely provided me new insight as to what I consider my personal definition of friendship.
We all face challenges and hardships during life’s journey. Undoubtedly some of those challenges are harder than others. The challenges my dad has had to face by undergoing chemo and radiation make my challenges of keeping two teenage boys in line seem miniscule. My head tells me that it’s the attitude in which we face these obstacles that will help us persevere and successfully complete this journey. But my heart tells a different story and today my heart hurts. It hurts for my family and for all other families who have had to face this diagnosis. It hurts today for two friends who have just suffered the heart-aching loss of their mother and whose lives will now be forever changed. My heart hurts to know that there will be others to suffer losses.
So for those who have sent me encouraging words via email, text, FB post, cards and/or phone calls, please know that you have been my inspiration. Sorry I couldn’t be yours today…but today cancer sucks!
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