The 19th....

Today is the 19^th. 

One month ago I held my father’s hand and softly whispered my final good-byes to him.  I searched for courage and strength to tell him it was ok to let go, that he didn’t have to keep fighting and that we would all be ok.  I gazed at his face and kept my hand clasped in his once strong hand trying to preserve every detail of our final moments together.

One month ago I watched as my father drew his last breath as the pastor prayed with our family.  I watched and waited already knowing that he would not draw another.  I watched, seemingly as if outside my own body, as the grieving for our loss began to unfold in that room.  The overwhelming and immediate heartache seemed to swallow every one of us in that single moment.

One month ago I watched as my dad left his home for the final time.  Covered by a homey blue quilt and looking to be in a peaceful sleep, we each took turns saying another good-bye.  As he was wheeled from the house the awful realization of what was happening brought increasing heartache.

One month ago today I shared in the task of calling those closest to us, our family and friends to let them know about dad.  There was no easy way to share the news about dad but it had to be done.   Some were shocked, many were surprised, but ALL were saddened to hear of his ‘passing’.        

Today marks one month since my dad died.  Attempts to soften the word with phrases like ‘passed away’ do nothing to lessen the hurt and pain that comes with the word.  That is because one month ago when our lives were forever changed by a single moment and our realities will never be the same.

 It’s only been a month.  The hurt is still so raw and real.  Some days it seems like it was only yesterday that we were keeping vigil by his side.  Perhaps that is because I can so vividly recall the details of that day.  Other days it seems like longer.  I think that may be because I feel like I lost dad twice.  I lost my strong, healthy and clear-minded dad months ago.

Time will heal…this I have been told.  It’s only been a month.  The pain hasn’t lessened… I think I am going to need a lot of time for a lot of healing.

God has my dad in heaven but I have him in my heart…..

I love you dad!

Moment to moment.....

Grief you are neither my friend nor foe,
Just a necessary path I travel on the way to letting go.

Letting go of the fear, the heartache and the unbearable pain,
To face the fact that my life has been forever changed.

Time, faith and love are the only things that can serve to heal,
To mend the brokenness and hurt that are still so raw and real.

Hearing that he is in a better place does little to ease the ache
Though it's true, from that some comfort I should take.


Moment to moment is how I travel your path today,
Never knowing what may be coming my way.

Overwhelming sadness, heartache or tears....
Prayers or encouragement of loved ones near.

So grief you will likely follow me for some time
Until the missing piece of my heart I somehow find.

~Julie



When your world crumbles and shatters into pieces around you it makes it time to keep up with time or days.  Everything for me is now measured in moments.  With the exception that it was three weeks ago today that he took his final breath, two weeks from last Friday that we laid dad to rest.  Last Thursday was what should have been his 73rd birthday.  I am afraid  I will now forever mark time by his date of death. 

The year of the 'Firsts' are the hardest, or so I have been told.
We spent our first Thankgiving without him...It was obviously not a time for celebration for our family this year.  We visited his grave on his 'first' birthday away from us.  We now have Christmas peering around the corner.  I'm not certain how to navigate the rest of this holiday season.  The music, the movies, the general atmosphere has not stirred me this year.  Decorating the tree...that stood unfluffed and undecorated for over a week in my living room is a testament to that.  I'm not saying that I could be confused as the Grinch right now but it wouldn't be a far leap.

As I dare to edge back into some semblance of normal routine with home and work life I have tried hard to keep my emotions in check and find balance within my day.  Admittedly there have been some very near brushes with a breakdown that easily would be equal to a Steal Magnolia moment.  People mean well and I understand that, however, it is neither reassuring or comforting to be repeatedly told that dad is no longer suffering or is in a better place.  Of course he is.  I told that to myself repeatedly the first few days after his death.  My head knows that...my heart?  Not so much.  I am selfish, I am spoiled and I would rather be here with me...now and forever.  See now the reason for the movie reference?
I can so easily identify with the emotion as probably anyone can that has experienced the loss of a loved one. 

This blog may not reflect it, but I am truly trying to find some peace and at least find some contentment in the season.  Daily, I try to realize the many blessings I have surrounding me and be thankful for each of them. 

I would love to be able to mold some of the sadness into gladness.  To that end I have decided that each year on dad's birthday I will make it my goal to do something in remembrance of him...something positive, a good deed or gesture, big or small, it will be done in honor of him. 

Missing you on your birthday and every day dad....

The End of One Journey…. The Beginning of Another

This was not the outcome we had so deeply hoped and prayed for throughout the past year.  We were supposed to have more time together, we were supposed to celebrate the holidays, we were supposed to have more time to share our love and make more memories.

Sadly, our journey ended on Monday, November 19^th at 10:15 as dad departed his earthly home and entered our Lord’s presence.  That day will be eternally etched in my memory.  My heart was broken that morning as a piece of it went with my dad….only to be completed when we meet once again in heaven.   It was indeed a bittersweet moment we experienced that morning to be with him as his suffering ended.  I had hoped for a final moment of clarity that would allow us recognition that he heard our final good-byes but that was not to be.  Instead I take some comfort in the fact that my dad was surrounded and held by all of his ‘girls’ as he drew his last breath as the pastor prayed.  There is no doubt in my mind that he knew he was loved beyond measure by his family. 

We were overwhelmed with the outpouring of love, prayers, food, and flowers as people received news of his passing.  Dad would have been honored to know that he was loved by so many as was evidenced in the number of friends and family from near and far that attended his service.  I was touched by each and every person who came to show their love and respect for him as well as our family.  Despite best efforts I wasn’t able to spend as much time with everyone as I would have liked but I cherished the time I had with everyone and the memories that were shared with me of my dad.  It was another bittersweet day…. Gorgeous day with family and friends, but brought together by the saddest of circumstances.

Now our new journey begins….the journey of continuing on with our lives without our beloved father, husband and grandfather.  We will begin a new walk of faith---waiting and believing that we will be reunited with him some day.  In the meantime we will move through these next days much the same as we have the past year taking one day at a time, cherishing each day and praying for each other.  Only time will help to lessen the great sorrow we feel.  The very memories that bring happiness are also the ones that will bring sadness and tears…his empty chair next to mine at Sunday dinners, the phone calls at work just to say hello or needing tech support and perhaps most of all coming through the back gate and not finding him sitting on his beloved patio.  I would like to think that he has his own personal patio in Heaven where he can sit and enjoy the view and continue to watch over us as we journey on.

Meanwhile I am ever so grateful for the love and support of family and friends which traveled with us on this journey and continues on to this day. 

Other things may change us, but we start and end with family.   ~Anthony Brandt



My dad, my hero...I'll always love you!



Bringing Daddy Home… (by Julie & Amy)

If you are a follower of our blogs, you know that we had some decisions to make this week. Those decisions have been made and we are bringing Dad home from Rehab.  We will be caring for him at home with the assistance of Hospice.  We feel strongly that being at home is what will be best not only for Dad but for all of us as a family.  Home is where we have done our living, celebrating holidays and good times and home is where our hearts lie. 

As we sat as a family and listened to the Hospice nurse share information and answer questions it became quite clear to her that while we were choosing Hospice we were not choosing to give up HOPE.   Hope has been at the center of this battle from day one.  It seems that Aaron Shust’s “My Hope Is In You” was on the radio a lot during those early weeks and we both clung to lyrics. He is our refuge.  He gives us HOPE.  Take the “sic” out of Hospice and you get Hope.  How cool is that?  

The timing of dad’s homecoming is especially appropriate and gives us yet another reason to be thankful this Thanksgiving holiday.

We are blessed by the friends and family that have provided support throughout our journey.    A verse that has appeared in a previous blog is fitting for today…”Rejoice in hope, endure in suffering, and persist in prayer.” Romans 12:12 

So while we move forward, please continue your prayers and rejoice with us in hope!

                                                               Thanksgiving 2011

Decision 2012...not talking politics here...

It’s been a year filled with decisions, and I’m not referring to the recent Presidential election.  If you thought this post was going to be about politics sorry to disappoint.    I’ve had pretty much zero interest this year.  Sorry, sad maybe but it's true.

So let’s start with a vocabulary lesson from the infamous Webster’s shall we?

Decision – The act of deciding; a judgment or conclusion reached by deciding.

Decide – To settle; to determine, as a controversy or contest, to determine the conclusion or issue of; to make up one’s mind.

Some decisions are made so quickly and easily that we have to give very little thought to the question at hand.  Some decisions are no brainers…pardon the pun.  Example: ’would you like fries with that?’  Other decisions can pose more of a challenge….What to wear?  What classes to take? Where to go on vacation?    Then there are those difficult ones...the more thought provoking and consequential decisions…the life-changing ones.

Our family was encouraged to consider making one of these decisions last week.   I’ve known families who have had to make this kind of decision.  I would never wish for anyone to have to consider making this decision.  This is a heavy burden to carry for family members.

Expecting it or not, hearing the words come spilling out of a doctor is very surreal.

Let me set the stage for you.  After spending the night with dad last week and going on 27 hours with no sleep, I was unpleasantly surprised by a visit from one of dad’s rehab doctors.  He introduced himself as a doctor that practices general medicine but is also certified in palliative/hospice care.  Having worked for a Home Health agency for many years I am acutely aware of the philosophy of Hospice.  It is comfort care for end of life. Needless to say his introduction did nothing to soothe my soul that early morning.  Alone with my dad, and the two aides whose impeccable timing found them finally coming to assist with bed changes, I had to force myself to focus on the words the doctor was speaking.

The conversation went something like this… ‘I think the time may be coming that you and your family may need to discuss future long term care….blah, blah, blah, it’s ok to hope for the best but to prepare for the worst….blah, blah, blah’, you will want to honor his wishes…blah, blah, blah.    All the while I am trying to watch dad from the corner of my eye to see if he is listening, hearing, comprehending any or all of this.  Maybe the timing of the aides was impeccable after all, I believe he was too distracted to hear or understand what the doctor was saying.  I will give him some credit. He seemed like a compassionate man, taking the time to listen to me and answer my questions but I would love to give him some pointers.  First, when delivering that kind of message it might be best to see if other family members might need to be available.  Second, refrain from using the quality of life vs. quantity of life more than once in your conversation.  I get it.  We get it.  We always have.  We want QUALITY. 

So it has come to this.  Of all the decisions that had to be made during the course of dad’s treatment…chemo, radiation, more chemo, stopping chemo, decisions that we all trusted the doctors when making we are now faced with making the toughest decision of all.   We are making decision to effectively care for him without ‘treatment’.   We all agree that we want him home.  Hospice or not, he belongs at home.  The changes and improvement hoped for are just not surfacing.  Time may be our only ally.  During that time, we want him home.

It is hard not to look back and let the mind rifle back through all of the crucial what if’s, if only’s, should have’s, could have’s and second guess or even try to justify the medical decisions that were made.  Would the outcomes have been the same?  Were we destined to be on this road all along?  Did we just prolong the trip?  Did we follow the wrong map?    I have found that these questions and thoughts serve no purpose now.  No matter the original intended destination we are where we are. 

So we move forward one day at a time with hope, faith and family intact.  Our love for each other and your prayers and well wishes get us through each day!

  Thank the Lord because he is good.  His love continues forever.   ~Psalm 106:1

Unhappy Anniversary

It’s almost here…November 4^th.    It’s almost been a year.  We are nowhere near where we had hoped we would be by now.  There have been highs and lows over the last 12 months.  We’ve conquered some challenges and succumbed to others.  There have been victories and celebrations but there have also been set-backs.   Why dear God do we find ourselves at this place now?  It seems this journey has taken yet another detour.  I wish it was as simple as checking a map to get our bearing and find the right directions to take.  Most days I just feel lost. 

Dad has had a major set-back.  After yet another fall he was taken to Harris ER for medical attention.  I knew in my heart that he would be admitted and he would not be coming back home that day.  His health had declined too much over the last few weeks and his refusal to eat but a few bites a day did not help the situation.  I can’t begin to explain the frustration of watching a loved one disappear before your eyes.  We have encouraged, urged, demanded, insisted, begged, bribed and cried trying to reason with him that he had to eat and even drink.  Well meaning suggestions from friends and family regarding what we could give him began to frustrate me further.  For anyone to think that we have not tried everything…and I do mean everything… to get nourishment in his body, well then you simply do not know my mother, sister or me.    And while nutrition plays a significant role in the condition he is now in it is not the only culprit. 

Admission to the hospital opened the gates for numerous tests, labs and doctors to shed some light on his case.  After learning very recently that dad had indeed suffered at least two strokes,we now also know that he has a moderate case of Encephalopothy.  Bottom line there is damage to his brain.  After a quick ‘Google’ session we see that it certainly explains some of the symptoms dad has exhibited as of late.  P.S.  I wouldn’t  recommend that people seek medical treatment/advice via Internet…it’s kind of scary actually.    Cancer, Chemo , Radiation, one or all three combined, have contributed to his plight.  The nutrition is not going to ‘fix’ it.  Time will.  Maybe. 

So in the course of a week we have watched dad withdraw even further.    

Confined to a bed without freedom to stand or walk. 

Confused about many things.

Transferred to a skilled nursing facility very close to home, allowing mom time to rest but also be at his side when needed.  This stay will hopefully rehab his body.  I wonder though, can they rehab his mind?   Can he remember that the ‘women’ who are nagging him to eat and telling him what to do all the time are the same ‘women’ who want him well and want him at home?   

At least for a moment last night I felt like he really knew me and was having a clear moment...His 'love you too babe' as I left for the night gave me a surge of hope.

Still I I fear we are on a slippery slope. 

So there is nothing happy about this upcoming anniversary. 

Cue the sad music…cut to the credits.  I want my happy ending!  I want our journey, our story to be neatly wrapped up with a big happy bow put on top.   I want our normal life back.

And as I type this I notice today’s verse on my desk calendar:

Everyone who asks will receive.  Everyone who searches will find.  Matthew 7:8

Hear me God...I'm asking....I'm searching...

Seems like we've been here before.....

I am much too familiar with this hospital.....

We are back at Harris Methodist Ft. Worth.

Dad had another fall last night/early morning.  Due to the number of falls and his current condition the Home Health nurse instructed mom to call 911 the next time he fell.  Well that time came this morning. I got the call from mom just before leaving for work.  Fortunately I made it to her house before the ambulance left and we were able to follow them to the hospital. 

Emergency Room...been here before.  Two times before.  We were assigned he same ER doctor he had 6 1/2 years ago.  I know you are wondering how I could remember  such a thing.  You are probably thinking wow Julie what a memory. Yes, it's true. I am like an elephant...in size and memory.  Anyway, I will never forget the ER trip he had 6 1/2 years ago or the cocky ER doctor who showed little concern for our situation.   Dr. C (I'll protect the guilty by not using his full name) told us then that it was very unlikely dad would be leaving the hospital alive. Well he was wrong.   I've always dreamed of waltzing dad back through ER to prove him wrong.  But I have to admit that Dr. C had a much better bedside manner this time.  He listened to us and seemed to show genuine concern and compassion. It was a far better experience with him this time.

So after many hours in the ER watching patients come and go we are thankful that he is getting the care he needs. We are fortunate.  One CT scan and many labs later he has been admitted. The scan showed no signs of stroke or bleeding in the brain.  There are however other causes for concern. While I know he doesn't like hospital stays I am ok with this one.  He will be getting some much needed hydration.  They will also be monitoring kidney function, blood sugar, nutrition, etc.  

We are now in a room...finally. In the same building as his last several hospital stays.  Same smell to the building, same layout as the previous floors, same uncomfortable chairs in the room.  On a good note he is getting the same good care.  Some things never change.

Life will never be the same though.  We will all be changed by the events of this last year.  Someone very close to me shared with today that we grow and are changed by every day that we live.  Maybe it's the wisdom that comes with each new day that prepares us to deal with the future.  It could also be past experiences that have matured us and readied us to deal with our new circumstances.

While conventional wisdom may suggest otherwise, I will not lose hope that dad will completely recover.  My faith will not be diminished by doctors predictions.  I will cherish each day and each memory.  I will love him with all the love that my heart holds. 

Today he knows me as Julie Roxann, tomorrow it may be the water girl or 'that other blonde girl', but for today he knows me.  He knows me, he knows who I am and he knows that I love him. 

Live~Laugh~Love....exactly what I intend to do!