Cancer Sucks.... Sorry Mom!

Sorry mom!  I know you hate that word but today that is the way I feel.  Trying to pretty it up or clean it up by saying Cancer STINKS just doesn’t cut it.   Forgetting to DVR your favorite show stinks, getting a speeding ticket stinks, gaining weight stinks….but cancer...it sucks.  I hate seeing what this disease and it’s treatments have done to my dad.  It’s not fair and I am mad!  M...A...D!    These feelings are nothing new…but may seem like it to those who read my blog.  I have always strived to keep this blog upbeat and positive.   Some have commented that they found my blog inspiring…for which I am glad.  However, I am not feeling inspirational today so if you are reading it for that purpose you might want to close your browser now and run!  Run far, far away!   Now before you go thinking that I have lost faith, hope or belief that dad will beat this cancer you should know that is not the case at all.   I just can’t seem to get these words and feelings out of my head so it was time to vent or write….I chose to write.  It’s likely that this blog will never be published but maybe writing my feelings down will help me move past what I am feeling now.  I don’t like feeling vulnerable or exposing all my worries and concerns…mostly because I have felt the need to hold it together…to be the strong one….to be faithful to my beliefs….to be at peace.  Well today that’s all out the window!

 My dad has cancer….he is fighting cancer….  Not the flu, not pneumonia….cancer!    It’s not fair….it’s not right.  He has fought his fight.  He shouldn’t have to fight this fight again.  He shouldn’t be suffering again.   His body shouldn’t be torn down to be built back up…again!  We shouldn’t be facing this AGAIN!   I wouldn’t wish this on anyone and certainly not twice.  It’s not fair, not fair at all!

I tend to be pretty sensitive in nature…maybe that’s another reason I am not normally willing to open myself up like this.  I worry what people think about me.  I don’t sugar coat things but I also do not air all my not-so-pretty feelings.   Those not-so-pretty feelings are only shared with those who are very, very, close to me…. like my little sis… Amy Lou.  Thank goodness we have each other to lean on during this time.  Goodness knows she is the ONE person that I can trust to be there!  Through this experience I have learned who I can truly depend on to be there for support and encouragement.   I have received so much of both over the last several months… especially from  co-workers and Facebook peeps.  I like to think of my Facebook as my Friendbook.  I don’t have a gazillion friends listed but I do have a vested interest in all those friends that request and accept me as their friend.   Many days have been brightened by messages and comments from those friends.  I hope that I have been able to provide some of that same comfort to others as well.  This journey has definitely provided me new insight as to what I consider my personal definition of friendship.

We all face challenges and hardships during life’s journey.  Undoubtedly some of those challenges are harder than others.  The challenges my dad has had to face by undergoing chemo and radiation make my challenges of keeping two teenage boys in line seem miniscule.    My head tells me that it’s the attitude in which we face these obstacles that will help us persevere and successfully complete this journey.  But my heart tells a different story and today my heart hurts.  It hurts for my family and for all other families who have had to face this diagnosis.  It hurts today for two friends who have just suffered the heart-aching loss of their mother and whose lives will now be forever changed.  My heart hurts to know that there will be others to suffer losses.

So for those who have sent me encouraging words via email, text, FB post, cards and/or phone calls, please know that you  have been my inspiration.  Sorry I couldn’t be yours today…but today cancer sucks!

Lucky 7....

Happy Anniversary Pops!  Today marks seven months of your Cancer hiney-kicking Crusade!   Seven months.  Seven is supposed to be a lucky number right?  I'm not sure that luck had anything to do with where we find ourselves today...matter of fact I am sure it doesn't.  I believe you are doing as well as you are one strong man, you have continuous prayers being prayed on your behalf but most of all  because God has his healing hands on you!   So, luck isn't even a factor--no sir!  You are a miracle.  A walking, talking miracle man.  

The only thing lucky about this situation is that you have completed the first course of chemotherapy and just graduated from radiation treatments.  But to keep with my 'Lucky 7' theme here is a list of 7 things that you are 'lucky' to have on this journey.

1)  Wife -  You have the most amazing, supporting and caring wife!  Lucky to have her?  
     You bet!
2)  Daughters -  Awesome girls if I do say so myself.  If we could only determine who
     real favorite is!  Ha...
3)  Grandkids & Son-in-Laws - These boys are willing to do anything for you. Sureit might
     not be done to your exact specifications...but they do know how to use spackle and
     duct tape!
4)  Neighbors, Family & Friends - Those who continue to check in on you to see how you
     are and offer their prayers and support.
5)  Good Doctors - We don't always understand the method to their madness but they
     have been patient and informative with us and have your health and best interest at
     heart!
6)  Great nurses and caregivers.. Some set the bar pretty high and made it difficult for
     others to follow in their footsteps...like Elizabeth! 
7)  Health Insurance!  In a time when so many do not have this benefit you are very
     fortunate. 

Lucky or not, I will leave you to decide.  

What I know is that you are blessed with family and friends who love you.

So I thank you--Thank You for be willing to fight this battle against cancer, for facing each day as it comes, for hanging in there even when you didn't feel like it, and for being our rock during your time of trial.  You have come so far!   I look forward to the day that we are marking the anniversary of your complete remission.  The day that James Carothers has officially kicked cancer's hiney. (Is hiney better than saying butt?)    Until that time...we march on and fight the fight one day at a time!   Love ya Dad!




Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits: Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases.   Psalms 103:2-3  

Relay, Roses, Rejoice & Recover….

I originally started this blog to document our family’s journey as my dad battled cancer.  While cancer remains in the forefront of everyone’s mind we also have some really good times and days together as a family.  So I think it’s only appropriate to document some of those times as well.  It is my blog after all….and hopefully the few of you that read it will indulge me this one time.

Relay -  This past weekend was absolutely busy, wonderful and sometimes highly emotional!  We kicked off the weekend on Friday evening in warm and windy Decatur, Texas.  Amy and I signed up to participate in the American Cancer Society’s Relay for Life as part of Hunter’s high school team.  Originally our participation was to celebrate dad’s 5 year remission mark but soon after sign-ups we learned of dad’s newest cancer diagnosis thus making this Relay even more significant to us.   We were very fortunate to have good friends and family make donations to ACS on our behalf for which we were very thankful!   At the last minute Cameron decided he wanted to participate as well.  Luckily Aunt Amy had an extra shirt so he could fit right in…and I think he put us to shame by completing more laps than us!   The opening ceremony was very poignant as the Survivors and Caregivers began the initial lap at the end of one track and began walking in opposite directions to meet at the other end of the track.  Upon meeting at the other end of the track each survivor linked up with their caregiver to finish the lap.  It was a very touching visual and proved that cancer does not discriminate against age, gender, or race.  Tears streamed my face as I watched the survivors make their way with their caregivers….I am certain I was not the only one with a tearstained face.   The Luminaria ceremony was also touching.  The stadium lights were dimmed and the track was lined with luminaria that paid tribute to honor and remember those have been touched with cancer.  Overall the night was a unique experience filled with luminaria decorating, laps, laughter and a little looting!  With teenagers you have to learn to expect the unexpected….for us it was finding kids sitting in our chairs helping themselves to our snacks!  We somehow managed to stick it out until closing ceremony at 6:00 am the next morning.  It was poetic to start the relay during the light of day, continue through the darkness of night and complete it as the sun was rising.  It’s similar to the cancer battle itself…diagnosis comes in the light and the real fighting seems to take place in the dark, but when morning light comes we are reminded of hope of another day!

Roses- This weekend also happened to be Prom weekend!  Zak’s senior prom!  I was so excited to be able to share in the excitement of this special occasion with Zak.    My little boy has turned into a young man and I treasure this time with him.  We shopped for his tux together, though he could have easily done it on his own, he has pretty good fashion sense…for a boy.  He picked out the corsage for his date on his own.  It was made of dark red roses and it was beautiful. The best part is he was sweet enough to let me tag along to get pictures of him with his date….and all I can say is ADOREABLE.  They made a very cute couple!

Rejoice-  It’s not about winning or losing but how you play the game.  Who am I kidding?!  I want to win!  Cameron’s baseball team has been on a bit of a losing streak and it makes it hard to be excited at the games.  He had a doubleheader on Saturday and of course I had to miss the first game…..prom preparations and all.  I get the call on my way to his second game that not only did he strike out 9 players in a row but that they won the game 11-1.  What??  I wasn’t there to see!!  Thank goodness they pulled out a win in the second game that I DID get to see!

Recover- Now after this crazy busy weekend I get a few days to try to recover before it starts all over again.  Graduation activities start next Sunday!  So stay tuned for more updates!

This is the day the LORD has made: We will rejoice and be glad in it.  ~Psalm 118:24

Six months later....seems like forever...or not!

Where does the time go?   Friday marked six months to the day that we learned dad had an inoperable brain tumor which was quickly diagnosed as cancer.  Sometimes that feels like a lifetime ago and other times it seems like just yesterday.  The mind can play funny tricks on you that way.  I can so vividly recall those early days of fear and worry and details surrounding the brain biopsy, port placements, MRI's and cat scans.  So why is it that I cannot remember where I put my keys an hour ago??   Regardless, I choose not to dwell on the darker times but instead I like to let my mind stroll down the lane of happier memories. Those memories would include coming back to home-sweet-home after lengthy hospital stays, being home for the holidays with family,  memories of great nurses and techs who went out of their way to be kind and cheerful, and or course cherished  memories of friends and family who showed their support with phone calls, cards and frequent hospital visits, etc.   You know who you are!  :)  A big shout out to our cousin Roger and his wife Teresa who made a special day trip from Houston to visit with dad....definitely a good memory! 


So as we continue this journey I hope, no, make that expect, that we will continue to make many more good memories. You know the everyday kind that we would normally take for granted....Sunday lunches at mom and dad's, visiting on the patio, watching dad fidget with his iPhone or iPad, memories with the kiddos like watching Cameron's baseball games, checking on Hunter's current girlfriend status and quizzing Zak about his first job.  To us, even the simplest and most mundane things are things to be celebrated....people watching from the patio, hopping on the John Deere to mow the lawn, and mow and mow and mow again (inside family joke) or even washing dad's truck  No one can wash a car like my dad... at least not to his specifications.  Note to self--keep that in mind before offering to do that chore! 


Right now dad is undergoing daily radiation.  He wraps up his 10^th  treatment today leaving 15 more to go.  If all goes as planned he should be finishing up on May 30th--the same day Zak graduates High School!  That will give us two wonderful reasons to celebrate…..High School Graduation for Zak and Radiation Graduation for Dad.   I wonder if we could get dad in a cap & gown?  Lol!   He may have to settle for just a diploma!  :)


So you see, we are expecting many more good times to come!


As the days pass and the seasons change I am thankful for all the days we have had together as a family and continue to look forward to all the good times still ahead.

This is the day the LORD has made; We will rejoice and be glad in it!

Psalm 118:24

P.S.  Our cousin Roger made another visit on his way back to Houston on Sunday--a surprise visit! Two thumbs up!  I can only assume since I have the 'Favorite Daughter' title all wrapped up that maybe he is gunning for title of  ‘Favorite Nephew'? ?

This blog brought to you by the number 5…..

It’s hard to believe that we are five months in on this journey.  At times it seems so very much longer than that and other times it feels like it was only yesterday that we received the news of dad’s diagnosis.  I’m by no means into the study of numbers but it struck me funny that in the 5^th month of treatment we learned that our next step will be to undergo radiation 5 days a week for 5 weeks.    Could that be coincidence or could the number 5 be relevant in some way?

From the very beginning my prayer was for peace.  Peace to know that God was with us on this journey and that we would make it through.   P..E..A..C..E.   Hmm that’s 5 letters.

On this journey we have clung to our faith knowing that all things are possible with God.             F..A..I..T..H …. Another 5 letter word….

We have had to place our trust in God and his will.   T..R..U..S..T..   Yep..1, 2,3,4,5  five letters!

We are so thankful for his grace and mercy that he supplies to us in abundance…  M..E..R..C..Y..  and  G..R..A..C..E..    Are you seeing a pattern here?

These are much more than just 5 letter words to me…these words are significant in how we have coped and dealt with dad’s illness these last few months. Scriptures that I learned as a young girl have taking on new meaning and I have found myself seeking out scripture more during this time that speaks to our situation.  Scriptures from the Bible…which also just happens to be a five letter word.  So maybe there is something to the number 5??

What is relevant to us now is that we have successfully completed the first leg of our journey and we are so thankful for good results.  We are encouraged that dad will be taking the next step and going through with radiation.  We know this takes courage and we are so thankful that he is strong and willing to face whatever comes his way. 

I would like to think that as a family we can endure whatever comes our way and if there is a reason or purpose to this journey that we not only face it but we embrace it!  If it is to become closer, stronger in our faith, opponents in the fight against cancer then so be it.  I don’t want to look back at these past months as just a dark moment in time but a time that we came together for the good and positive in life.

So now we are off to battle radiation…it seems appropriate to note that when David went to battle Goliath he chose FIVE smooth stones to meet the giant enemy of Israel. 

(The number 5 again…just saying!)

Let us run the race that is before us and never give up.  Hebrews 12:1

Elvis (aka James) has left the building!

It's official!  Dad has left the building...also known as Harris Methodist Hospital for what is hopefully the last inpatient stay of his cancer treatment. In the last five months he has had a total of 8 hospital admissions.  He has undergone 3 CT scans, 6 MRI's, 1 brain & bone marrow biopsy, received chest port and omayya placement AND spent a total of 51 days in the hospital....including a few of the major holidays: New Years Eve & Day, Valentine's Day and Easter. 

This means he has had approximately 153 hospital meals, most of which were not anything to write home about.  (With the exception of one BBQ chicken meal that was not only delicious but was also 'hot' on arrival...a miracle considering it arrived two hours late!  And oh yeah, I can vouch for delicious since I had to taste test it..lol)   He endured 43 nights of broken sleep as nurses and techs made their way in and out of the room to take vitals and administer meds.  And I won't even attempt to number the trips to the bathroom while tethered to that cumbersome IV pole.

Needless to say, we are all very glad to say good-bye to this stage of treatment.  In hindsight, perhaps we should have documented  this last stay as his 'farewell tour'.  We will miss some of his nurses and caretakers and I daresay they will miss him.  He was told by one of the nurses upon discharge today that just because he wasn't coming back for treatment didn't mean he couldn't come back to visit.  I bet that was one of the nurses we liked!  :)

We now move forward to radiation. Just the word alone sounds a little scary and conjures up unpleasant thoughts.  The internet provides plenty of information on radiation...too much in fact!  It's interesting how much we are exposed to radiaion in our every day lives.  Anyway, perusing the internet for more information is pointless.  We will wait until our appointment with the Radiation oncologist to obtain the information we need specific to dad's case. 
One of dad's nurses gave rave reviews about the new oncologist which makes us feel pretty good already. 

In the meantime we enjoy the time at home.  

Warm and sunny days sitting on the patio....
Riding the John Deere mower over the yard...
Sleeping in a normal bed..that makes no noises and doesn't move....
Enjoying home cooked meals (at the right temperature)...
Computer access that is not tied to hospital's wi-fi... (lol)
Keeping an eye out on the neighborhood....
Taking in a grandson's baseball game...
Back to routine living...

Sometimes in routine living we take things, especially the small things, for granted.  I hope the time on this journey will continue to serve as a reminder to us to never take anything OR anyone for granted.  My goal is to enjoy every day for the gift that it is and remember not to sweat the small things but to give thanks for all things!

So let me close by saying I want to give thanks to all the friends and family who have shown their support to our family during this time.  Your support may have come in the form of visit, a card, a phone call, or even prayers.  For all things we are thankful! 

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.  ~Romans 12:12


Love,
Julie

Detour! (But not a dead end!)

So anyone who knows my family know that we are pretty experienced in long road trips!   Summer vacations and holidays to Arkansas, camping trips to Oklahoma, seeing family in Kansas,  and trips for weddings, funerals and reunions…you name it….we drive it!   As seasoned travelers we know how to prepare for trips.  We have packing down to a science…even if we do try to squeeze the kitchen sink in!  Loading the car and hitting the road is easy breezy…luggage, pillows, blankies, cd’s and snacks are all accounted for.   We travel the same routes and hit the same rest areas, gas stations and fast food joints.  Preparing for the trip is an important part of the journey but just as important is how we deal with the speed traps, road construction and detours.

We started on this journey with dad 5 months ago (to the date tomorrow).  This was not a trip we expected or even wanted to take….certainly not prepared for!  How do you prepare for a cancer diagnosis anyway?  You can’t…you don’t.  So just like those last minute or unexpected trips we have made in the past, we dropped everything to put our focus on this ‘trip’ and began preparing the best we knew how.  We gathered information, listened to the doctors and made sure to pack our faith!  This trip has not been without pot holes, speed bumps and as we are now experiencing a slight detour.

The doctor has confirmed today that he is 100% sure that the infection is shingles.  Great, poor dad cannot catch a break!  This means that chemotherapy will be delayed…again!  Once to procure the methotrexate and now to treat the shingles.  With a weakened immune system it is just not practical, or safe even, to move forward with the chemotherapy right now.  Thankfully he is in the hospital where the IV treatment can be administered and the situation can be monitored, but that doesn’t make him feel much better.     It doesn’t make me feel much better for that matter!  I want him to finish chemo, I want to be finished with radiation and I want the cancer to be gone!  I want dad to have a life not dreading trips to the hospital, not worried about labs, and certainly not worried about cancer.   I would prefer he worry about what he is going to wear to his oldest grandson’s graduation, what kind of girlfriend his middle grandson has and if his youngest grandson is ever going to get a haircut!  So as we continue on this trip we will try to embrace the smooth spots in the road and do our best to deal with the unexpected.

Speaking of unexpected… I never expected to write a blog…and certainly not for the reasons this one started.  I started this blog for personal reasons, one of which was the opportunity to share updates on dad's cancer treatment with friends and family.  Technology can be a gift that way!  Now that I have been introduced to the blogging world, I must admit to

being something of a blog 'stalker'.... in a good way of course!   One of my favorite blogs includes a separate place for Prayer Requests.   As I read some of the requests I was surprised to find so many stories similar to our own.  Of course we are not the first to face the challenges of cancer but it was somewhat comforting to know that we are not alone in our feelings and experiences.   On this journey there are ups and downs, good days and bad days, times when you prefer to be alonge and other times when someone's presence is welcomed.   There are times when you prefer to be quiet and other days when you can't talk enough.  That being said it makes it a little easier to understand why some people are not sure how to act around those that they know are struggling or going through a difficult time.  One blogger listed numerous things for people to say and/or do in these situations.   I won't replicate her list here but suffice it to say she was urging people to reach out to those in need.  I definitely plan to put her words into action when given the opportunity.  

Below is my personal list of Do's and Don'ts... I'll start with the Don'ts so I can wrap it up on a positive note!  :)

Dont's-  

• Please don't offer medical advice unless you have an MD, DO or other professional medical license following your name.   It may be hard to resist sharing from your own experiences but every situation is different.  Dad's treatment is unique to his illness. We are relying on the doctor(s) assigned to his case to provide us the best possible information regarding the treatment prescribed to him.  We make note of every detail and ask many, many questions.  Information that is not specific to his cancer type, location and treatment protocol can be dangerous and worrisome.  
• Don't wait to hear from us if you would like an update.  We welcome any calls, emails, facebook messaging, etc.
• Don't be discouraged if you haven't heard from us.  We try to keep family and friends updated using various means but between the four of us (James, Pat, Julie & Amy) we can't always keep straight who has talked to who!

Do's:

• Pray....we are very appreciative of all the prayers received...please keep them going.
• Feel free to call or visit!  Dad loves the company!

Pretty simple lists!  Basically put, don't be afraid to reach out...we will reach right back!

Our family is open to your prayers, support, and words of encouragement!

We are moving forward with positive attitude, encouraging thoughts and prayer!

Please excuse me now as I must EXIT...(Pun intended!)

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen and help you;  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.  ~  Isaiah 41:10